Met at the pub just before 2pm. As I walked in I could already see him sitting
at a nearby table, and yet I pretended I didn't see him, so I could have a
glance round in a fake-nonchalant manner, as if casually seeing if there was
anyone interesting about. Soon enough though, he stood up and stepped forwards
slightly ready to greet me with an outstretched hand and a kiss on the cheek. I
think I instantly knew I didn't like him. And oddly enough, that decision had
nothing to do with his choice of clothing for the occasion. I'm sure that to
him, his crisp white shirt, grey-marl trousers, brown loafers and smart charcoal
winter coat was the perfect choice for lunch with a 'friend'. I use the term
'friend', seeing that earlier in the week when arranging the date via
the dating site's chat service, he made it clear that we are just "2 friends
meeting up over lunch". I was fine with that. After all, it's good to take
things slowly and take your time getting to know somebody, right?
Which I think is why his next message that popped up on my computer screen made
laugh out loud... until I realised he wasn't joking. He went on to inform me
that he had a very busy week lined up, with different dates arranged for most
days in the week ahead, with myself now pencilled in for Saturday
lunchtime.
I wonder now why I didn't say 'forget it' there and then.
Looking back to that online chat, there was one other warning sign I should have
never ignored: his ex-girlfriend. I say 'ex-girlfriend' but that's not how he
described her, as he told me they'd just broken up after a 9 year relationship.
She is still a massive part of his life, if only for the fact that she has
sole-custody of their beloved cats. Aahh! Not.
So back to today's
'lunch with a friend'. I sat down as he pointed out that he'd just got himself a
drink (a lime & water. What??!! Who drinks that??!), without waiting for me
to arrive before ordering. Charming!
I can't remember exactly what his first topic of
conversation was, but... Oh wait, I can! He moaned about getting lost on the way
to meet me. I must admit to smirking inwardly at that point, as I remembered his
comment a few days ago about not needing SatNav as he was intelligent.
HA!
He then stopped a nearby waitress to order himself a meal and seemed to have no problem or concern with my insistence that I wasn't
hungry. Yeah right. I was starving as I'd had no breakfast, but he seemed to put
me off the idea of food. For the next THREE hours, I was stuck there, firstly
watching him eat his meal with revolting table manners, followed by what seemed
to be a long therapy session that consisted of me listening to him whine...I
mean talk about how much he loves his ex-girlfriend, how he wants her back, blah
blah blah.
There were many highlights to this conversation, for
example: him telling me he often cries about losing her. Daily, he said.
He also
said he still has her Facebook and email account passwords and frequently 'logs
in' to her accounts to read her private messages and see who she's meeting up
with. Another highlight was him admitting to going round to the flat they shared
together, where she still lives now, and letting himself into her bedroom to
"look for evidence" as he put it, of her current sex life. He was disgusted, he
told me, to find an unopened Rampant Rabbit vibrator in her drawer. "Imagine
that!" he said to me, shaking his head in disbelief, as I looked back at him
with fake concern. "All those years she had a real cock lying in bed next to her
and she never once jumped on". Eurrgghhh.
Every so often, the
conversation would change for a brief moment, as he stopped to tell me how
lovely it was to talk to a positive woman for a change, instead of his negative
ex. "you're down to earth!" he announced loudly, on more than one occasion. I'm
surprised I remember so much of the conversation, seeing as I spent a fair
amount of time sneaking a quick look at the mess growing on his face, trying to
work out which stage of puberty it was currently in. There is no encyclopaedia
on earth that would describe it as 'facial hair' that's for sure. Mousy-coloured
fuzz is all it will ever be, I expect.
What else? Oh yes. He was
keen to hear my thoughts on the situation, and seemed delighted to hear that I
thought he and his ex would soon be back together. I was so sure in fact, that I
insisted he texts her later to declare his true feelings! Of course, my opinion
had nothing to do with genuine insight, but all to do with wanting to keep him
well away from me.
After almost 3 hours of this conversation, he
eventually realised it would be polite to ask a few questions about me, seeing
as I was the one there with him, after all.
"what size would you
like to be?" was one of his first questions. "were you slim when you were
younger?"
Fascinating conversation starters, I must say.
As I told him I'd like to lose about 8 stones he looked me up and down and said
"8 stone? Not 8 stone! 3 stone, yes"
At this point, the date was
almost over, thank God.
But not before he'd passed on some more
nuggets of information.
1) he's only looking for a bit of fun, and
now that he's seen me, yes I DO have a pretty face and therefore he is prepared
to meet me again for some fun.
Pass. The. Sick. Bucket.
2) He said that in time, I will grow to be as self-assured as he is. He's not
arrogant, he told me, it's just that he knows that when it comes to looks, he's
"in the top 10% of all men".
Trust me. He's not.
3) that me and him
should have dinner sometime. (I guess that this was his way of progressing from
friendship to an actual date..?). He told me he was attracted to me,
particularly because I have "nice eyes and teeth". Yeah right, I guess he spent
the afternoon staring at my boobs for other reasons then.
He asked
for my opinion on him. (how long have you got?)
I told him we could
probably be friends, at which point a look of confusion flashed across his face.
He then reiterated that he WAS attracted to me, and would like to use our future
rendezvous as an opportunity to expand his... sexual repertoire, so to speak. He
clearly had a long list of ideas ready to try.
I think it was at
this point I put my coat on and stood up. He took the hint, and suddenly grabbed
my hand and held it tightly while telling me to have more confidence in my
appearance. I am pretty, he said so...again! He also told me to smile at myself
in the mirror, whenever I get the chance. I released my hand and walked towards
to bar to wait while he paid the bill.
As he took the card machine
from the barmaid, he turned to me and loudly said "there's a mirror! Go and look
at yourself now and smile!"
The barmaid looked at me with the same
look of disgust that I was now giving him. "Shut up" I replied.
Outside, he hovered behind me as I walked back to my car, whilst STILL pouring
his heart out about his ex-girlfriend. I had nothing else to say on the matter,
so politely smiled and said goodbye. I relyctantly accepted his request for a
hug, then turned my cheek as he tried to kiss me.
I got in my car
and drove away as fast as I could, grateful the ordeal was finally over!
